• Background information on "The Heroin Baby": Script written by myself and Joseph Martin based on actual dialog from an April Fool's gag that I had performed earlier in the day. This script was written after the gag and performed on stage that same night at the Late Night Series at Mercer County Community College. You can see the performance HERE.

John Beck: so listen, i've been pissing milk all morning.

Nicole: about how much?

John Beck: a few gallons, no more, no less. ... Anyhow, last week i knocked up this girl that was a heroin addict.

Nicole: oh wow!

John Beck: i found out this morning that i must have gotten her pregnant, and now she’s gonna poop out a heroin baby and i really don't know what to do. i don’t want another heroin baby.

Nicole: holy shit!

John Beck: i don’t know if it can be considered a HOLY SHIT, but it sure is a shit. and it’s gonna stink. ....... oh boy, there's no one around for me to talk to. I’m so god damned lonely.

Nicole: ok hmm well ... i can try talking to you. I learned how to speak in school. ..... does she want to have the baby?

John Beck: yea, she wants to get married too. I’m already married and I already have a heroin baby. what the hell am i gonna do with another one??

John Beck: and, you know, she's a heroin addict and i have no idea what will happen, cos like I can only see the past and part of the present…but I’m not a fucking psychic and can tell what's gonna happen next. God damn, why can't i be psychic?

Nicole: yea, chances are the baby won't be that healthy too, cos your ugly dick initiated its creation ... and you don't necessarily wanna be stuck in a situation where you will find yourself uncomfortable. cos like, being uncomfortable is kinda ... uncomfortable.

John Beck: i know. I learned about that in school. They showed us pictures.

Nicole: you know for a fact that it’s yours?

John Beck: is what mine? oh, the baby…right. well, it has to be mine. cos I spewed my seeds in her baby making chamber. ain’t that how baby’s is made? I learned that in school too. they showed us videos.

John Beck: i barely know her too, but I DO everyone I barely know. i just met her like last week at the circus. she was a clown. I wore a frown. she turned it upside down when she sucked off my Charlie Brown.

Nicole: you don't think she’s just lying, to get something out of you do you?

John Beck: she has a bad liver from all the drugs. maybe she wants mine.

Nicole: (stand up) i hate u! you was a real good one too…you found me out. if it weren’t for them crazy kids I’d have your liver.

John Beck: ha ha ha ha, c'mon I was a good fuck, the best you ever had bitch.

Nicole: I’m like dying over here

John Beck: ha ha ha ha…it’s not my fault you’re a heroin junky with a burnt out liver.

Nicole: bastard!!!! (then you walk off the stage)

John Beck: (standing) SUCKA!